A year ago a friend in California emailed me about a young mother who had a terrible bicycle accident. I had suffered a similar though not as serious bicycle accident near my home, while riding in the countryside of England. My friend thought I would understand the trauma of what had happened and asked that I pray for this young woman, and her family. I readily agreed, but what made this a most unusual prayer request was the way the husband of the young woman would keep all those conserned about his wife up to date with her amazing progress. He used a growing website community called Caring Bridge.
Caring Bridge (ww.caringbridge.com) enables family members to post daily journal entries for a loved one recovering from cancer, or the progress of a premature baby, or simply share stories of a relative battling for their health. It is a great way to let family and friends around the world know what is going on when you are caring for someone and do not have the time to send multiple emails or answer every voice mail message. When your primary concern is caring for a loved one, yet others want to ask "how is it going?" Caring Bridge is a great resource-and it is free!
With all that is going on with my mother in her final stage of illness, I have turned to Caring Bridge to let family and friends in mulitple locations know "just how mom is doing today." It took only minutes to start the site yesterday and I was able to set the confidentiality level (ie who has access to information)that is right for our family. We've had calls from Liberia, and Hong Kong and visits from friends from Taiwan and South Korea as well as Texas and Washington,DC and each one has said, "Let us know how she does. Keep us informed." We can do this with Caring Bridge.
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Involuntary Re-entry #2
It is a privelege to care for a parent in their last days; and my mother is no exception. We are having a God-given and very special time together. I am cherishing every moment...now that I have accepted that caring for her means total immersion into a culture I have only experienced from time to time, southern Bible-belted summers while growing up.
My sister has always loved North Carolina, our mother's home state and she lives nearby (I am here so that my sister can get back to work as director of a regional hospital in this area-she has put in long hours helping mom, and dad before he passed away).
I have always preferred my father's home state, Arkansas. Carolina ways are different, but I am learning and loving the beauty of this area. I am also realising that all her married life my mother lived in Washington,DC for my dad. She was home base while he travelled all over the world, and then they both took off for South Korea. And then they settled down at Baylor University while they lived and worked as missionaries to the international Baptist Student Mission. All those years, mom has longed for the carolina pine trees and the beaches of the shore islands. These are her last days...so the least I can do is support her in spending them exactly where she wants!
I see her friends and our extended family stopping by to see how she is doing. We get so many calls, and cards and love from even the pharmacy delivery man ("Love your momma. She is so sweet," he says and adds that it is "no trouble to deliver anythings she wants.") Everyone I have met so far tell me of how they loved my dad in the years they knew him, and how much my mother means to them. Even in the grocery store (now learning new American foods) someone stops me and says, "Are you Mzz M's daughter? So good you can be here for her at this time."
Yes, indeed. I am falling in love with Carolina!
My sister has always loved North Carolina, our mother's home state and she lives nearby (I am here so that my sister can get back to work as director of a regional hospital in this area-she has put in long hours helping mom, and dad before he passed away).
I have always preferred my father's home state, Arkansas. Carolina ways are different, but I am learning and loving the beauty of this area. I am also realising that all her married life my mother lived in Washington,DC for my dad. She was home base while he travelled all over the world, and then they both took off for South Korea. And then they settled down at Baylor University while they lived and worked as missionaries to the international Baptist Student Mission. All those years, mom has longed for the carolina pine trees and the beaches of the shore islands. These are her last days...so the least I can do is support her in spending them exactly where she wants!
I see her friends and our extended family stopping by to see how she is doing. We get so many calls, and cards and love from even the pharmacy delivery man ("Love your momma. She is so sweet," he says and adds that it is "no trouble to deliver anythings she wants.") Everyone I have met so far tell me of how they loved my dad in the years they knew him, and how much my mother means to them. Even in the grocery store (now learning new American foods) someone stops me and says, "Are you Mzz M's daughter? So good you can be here for her at this time."
Yes, indeed. I am falling in love with Carolina!
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Involuntary Re-entry
How many of you have ever relocated "back home" when it was not your desire to move? You find yourself in your country of origin and you are not ready to come home?
I have never lived in North Carolina, and this temporary move is a most unusual re-entry. It is re-entry to my mother's state! If you have read my book, "Parents on the Move!" you will recall that my parents, deep south southern Americans, raised us kids in Washington, DC. It was southern as country ham and biscuits inside our home, but northern territory once you stepped out the door. I started early, going from culture to culture within a single day.
My mother has chosen to spend her final days back on Carolina home ground where she was born, and I have "come home" to look after her. I am on a sharp learning curve, indeed. These days I am much more at home in Manhattan or London, yet am doing all I can to care for her and do this re-entry "stuff" so that I can be of help to all the family. When the plane landed in the Carolina hills, so many people said "welcome home" but I can't even find my way around a grocery store!
I have never lived in North Carolina, and this temporary move is a most unusual re-entry. It is re-entry to my mother's state! If you have read my book, "Parents on the Move!" you will recall that my parents, deep south southern Americans, raised us kids in Washington, DC. It was southern as country ham and biscuits inside our home, but northern territory once you stepped out the door. I started early, going from culture to culture within a single day.
My mother has chosen to spend her final days back on Carolina home ground where she was born, and I have "come home" to look after her. I am on a sharp learning curve, indeed. These days I am much more at home in Manhattan or London, yet am doing all I can to care for her and do this re-entry "stuff" so that I can be of help to all the family. When the plane landed in the Carolina hills, so many people said "welcome home" but I can't even find my way around a grocery store!
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Priorities No 2
If you read yeseterday's blog you will understand that the first thing I did today(after the first part of the "morning routine" that I do for mom) was to head to the nurse's station and weigh myself. As a result, I am thinking through MY priorities as a caregiver!
No 1 Healthy eating
I am telling mom how much I appreciate all the food,restaurants etc but I am going to take care in what I eat. Simple? Just have a southern mother and see how YOU do!
No 2 Exercise
This priority may be on my prayer list more than in reality, but I AM going to try to walk a half hour a day! There is a good walking path nearby. If you have read my book, "Parent's on the Move!" you will know that one of the things I try to do when I change location is find a "walk" and a walking partner.
No 3 Quiet Time
Maybe not a set time at the moment, but if I have my Bible handy I can take the moments that come, and practice the Brother Lawrence style of praying while "in the kitchen."
No 4 Writing
Next week my mother's nurse will be here for more hours, so I will head to the library and attempt writing book number two! Am also thinking about writing a paper for the Families in Global Transition conference that is held in Washington DC next March....and then an article on "Women's Ministry"...
In someways, I need to approach this move into mom's assissted living as another relocation...so different emotionally, but a relocation non the less.
No 1 Healthy eating
I am telling mom how much I appreciate all the food,restaurants etc but I am going to take care in what I eat. Simple? Just have a southern mother and see how YOU do!
No 2 Exercise
This priority may be on my prayer list more than in reality, but I AM going to try to walk a half hour a day! There is a good walking path nearby. If you have read my book, "Parent's on the Move!" you will know that one of the things I try to do when I change location is find a "walk" and a walking partner.
No 3 Quiet Time
Maybe not a set time at the moment, but if I have my Bible handy I can take the moments that come, and practice the Brother Lawrence style of praying while "in the kitchen."
No 4 Writing
Next week my mother's nurse will be here for more hours, so I will head to the library and attempt writing book number two! Am also thinking about writing a paper for the Families in Global Transition conference that is held in Washington DC next March....and then an article on "Women's Ministry"...
In someways, I need to approach this move into mom's assissted living as another relocation...so different emotionally, but a relocation non the less.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Priorities No 1
Jo Parfitt in her recent twitter asked, "what keeps you from writing?" I answered, "priorities!" In the first days of the news that my mother was dying, all I could think about was, "Mom, what do you want? What can I do for you?" As I said in the last blog entry, it was twenty-four-seven, this caregiving.
Brain tumours are strange things. Mom is physically fairly fit, very fit for an 89 year old. Though she is losing her ability to think clearly and get some words to the surface of her thoughts and speech, she does make her wishes known. One of them is to see her friends, everyone who stops by, and answer every telephone call. People are flying into see her, and calls are coming in at all hours from all over the world.
Her second priority seems to be to feed us like hmmm, well, there is no tomorrow! She wants us to take her to restaurants, and at first I thought this was for her to enjoy eating a variety of foods and have meals with her family. She likes to be with the family alright-but she doesn't eat a thing! I have wanted to cook for her and prepare special meals;but no,she wants to go to the Texas Steak House! She wanted the visiting- from- England -grandkids to enjoy Outback! My sister and I are now looking at each other with expressions such as, "We can't keep this up. We will be the size of a house!" She wants diets out the window (not for her, but for us!)Doing the dishes is OUT....cooking is OUT. Ironing is OUT. Going to church with her is IN....but those meals are not what we would call healthy either!
I am so glad my husband is here now. He is an amazing help but he looked in the fridge and said, "so much food but nothing to eat!" Mom has stocked the fridge with every treat in town, (but still wants to visit every restuarant in town). I know her heart is to see her kids, and grandkids and sons in laws enjoy life and have the laughter and conversation around her....but this caregiver is sneaking in some fruit and yoghurt!
Brain tumours are strange things. Mom is physically fairly fit, very fit for an 89 year old. Though she is losing her ability to think clearly and get some words to the surface of her thoughts and speech, she does make her wishes known. One of them is to see her friends, everyone who stops by, and answer every telephone call. People are flying into see her, and calls are coming in at all hours from all over the world.
Her second priority seems to be to feed us like hmmm, well, there is no tomorrow! She wants us to take her to restaurants, and at first I thought this was for her to enjoy eating a variety of foods and have meals with her family. She likes to be with the family alright-but she doesn't eat a thing! I have wanted to cook for her and prepare special meals;but no,she wants to go to the Texas Steak House! She wanted the visiting- from- England -grandkids to enjoy Outback! My sister and I are now looking at each other with expressions such as, "We can't keep this up. We will be the size of a house!" She wants diets out the window (not for her, but for us!)Doing the dishes is OUT....cooking is OUT. Ironing is OUT. Going to church with her is IN....but those meals are not what we would call healthy either!
I am so glad my husband is here now. He is an amazing help but he looked in the fridge and said, "so much food but nothing to eat!" Mom has stocked the fridge with every treat in town, (but still wants to visit every restuarant in town). I know her heart is to see her kids, and grandkids and sons in laws enjoy life and have the laughter and conversation around her....but this caregiver is sneaking in some fruit and yoghurt!
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Caregiver
This is one of the most challenging things I have ever done-taking care of my mother in the last stages of a terminal illness. My husband and I were planning to be in Florida for several months when my mother called to say that she had an inoperable brain tumour and would I please travel up to North Carolina to visit her? Of course!
When I arrived, the lovely family doctor came to visit us and sat on the porch for a chat and a time of prayer. This is the Bible belt of America, and very much a culture of its own. This is the south, and so my sister and I sat on the porch with Dr B and held hands with mom and prayed. Then Dr B turned to my mother and lovingly looked right into her eyes.
"Libby," she said, "you taught these girls, and their brother, how to live. Now...you are going to teach them how to die. To die with dignity, in peace and with your loved ones around you. I will make sure you are in no pain, but for the emotional side of this life on earth, you will teach them God's way of passing on."
It was only later that we could make jokes and remind ourselves that no one says "dying" here...people just "pass."
At the moment each moment is precious and while we have everything anyone could need at this beautiful "independent/assisted/ nursing care" living space for the elderly that I now call "Assisted Camping" due to all the extended family BBQ's we have at the back of mom's cottage...these are moments of personal care for a mother saying good-bye to her family. It's the late nights, the midnight "runs" to the loo, notes back to England saying I won't be "home" this summer and then early morning assistance that mom needs. It's twenty-four seven, as they say in America.
When I arrived, the lovely family doctor came to visit us and sat on the porch for a chat and a time of prayer. This is the Bible belt of America, and very much a culture of its own. This is the south, and so my sister and I sat on the porch with Dr B and held hands with mom and prayed. Then Dr B turned to my mother and lovingly looked right into her eyes.
"Libby," she said, "you taught these girls, and their brother, how to live. Now...you are going to teach them how to die. To die with dignity, in peace and with your loved ones around you. I will make sure you are in no pain, but for the emotional side of this life on earth, you will teach them God's way of passing on."
It was only later that we could make jokes and remind ourselves that no one says "dying" here...people just "pass."
At the moment each moment is precious and while we have everything anyone could need at this beautiful "independent/assisted/ nursing care" living space for the elderly that I now call "Assisted Camping" due to all the extended family BBQ's we have at the back of mom's cottage...these are moments of personal care for a mother saying good-bye to her family. It's the late nights, the midnight "runs" to the loo, notes back to England saying I won't be "home" this summer and then early morning assistance that mom needs. It's twenty-four seven, as they say in America.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)